The Urge to Herbal
by MASHedPotatoes
Summary: This is a tale of an elf, a dwarf, and shampoo. L/G, even if A/L is better. Much better. (Note: never trust an Aragolas shipper to write your summary. Muaha.)


The Urge to Herbal

By M*A*S*HedPotatoes

Disclaimer: LotR not mine. Don't sue.

Note: The oh-so-wonderful Darth Maligna who is lovely and intelligent and the bestest writer in the whole world went into Grammar Nazi mode and proofread this for me and was kind enough not to yell about all the misplaced commas and the complete lack of much-needed semicolons and then she was nice enough to save and upload this for me because I couldn't figure out how to on my stupid Macintosh. She even wrote the disclaimer and this lovely author's note! …D'oh!

Darth Maligna's note: Heh heh… yeah. G/L is gross. Aragolas forever! Muahaha! )

In one delicately formed hand, he held a picnic basket stuffed with food; in the other, he held a larger, work-calloused hand belonging to one of his good friends. They were headed towards a secret spot hidden in the forest where they would enjoy the company of one another while they had their picnic. When they finally reached their destination they set the food out onto a big fluffy blanket and sat down together near the food.  
After they'd finished eating Legolas grabbed Gimli's rough hand and flung himself onto his back, pulling Gimli down along side him. They stared at each other and then at the clouds in blue sky above them. Later that afternoon they awoke from a nap and smiled after finding themselves awakening next to one another.  
"That," said Gimli, "was the best picnic I've ever had, even though you left the pipeweed at home."  
"Mmm," replied Legolas, who was too busy pampering his hair to answer Gimli intelligently.  
"That's okay though," continued Gimli, "I had you instead of the pipeweed and that was the best part of the picnic."  
"Huh? I didn't catch that last part, could you repeat it?" asked Legolas, who was now lost in the sensation of braiding, unbraiding, and re-braiding his hair.  
"I've had enough of your hair getting in between us all the time," ranted Gimli, "If you don't let me brush it or wash it or something soon I'll return to Pippin."  
"What is your obsession with my hair?" asked Legolas. "You act like you never saw hair before."  
"I've never seen hair as silky or smooth as yours." Gimli had a look of pure desire on his face and he stared at Legolas's hair. "No hair is as... as golden as yours, none is so precious. It's driving me crazy. It's always in front of me, right there, but I know I can't have it, or even touch it."

"That's because I'm the only person that can afford Herbal Essences Full Volume with Protein Shampoo," said Legolas.  
"Oh," said Gimli, "so can I help you brush it or wash it sometime?" asked Gimli with an eager look on his face. "_PLEASE_?"   
"Well.... I suppose," said Legolas. _And that's only because I don't want to screw up our relationship,_ he thought.  
"When?" asked Gimli, with a real look of hope on his face.  
"Next time I get the urge," answered Legolas, without thinking about what he was saying. "Yes, the next time I get the urge to herbal."  
Gimli, now satisfied with the hope of being able to wash the one thing he loved most in the world-Legolas's locks of gold, he sighed a happy sigh, and began packing up the leftover food and the fluffy blanket.  
Hand-in-hand the couple walked out of the forest to the place where both of them called home. Three hours later, Legolas had to urge to herbal. He just _had_ to get the dirty forest dirt out of his hair. Unfortunately, he realized he had promised Gimli he could wash his hair the next time he had the urge. Decisions, decisions. He didn't know if he could survive either Gimli washing his hair or having dirty hair.  
Just then Gimli walked up to Legolas and asked, "You do know you have a bunch of dirt in your hair, right?"  
"Yes, but there's nothing I can do about it," Legolas replied sharply.  
"Why can't you wash your hair?" asked Gimli.  
"Because... uh... I ran out of shampoo just this morning," said Legolas.  
"Then what's this I just found in hidden in your closet?" asked Gimli as he handed Legolas a bottle of rose-scented Herbal Essences Full Volume with Protein shampoo.  
"Uh... I need a different kind of shampoo to get rid of the dirty forest dirt," lied Legolas. "But what were you doing in my closet in the first place?"  
"Waiting for you," Gimli replied sheepishly.  
Legolas now realized how madly in love Gimli was with him, and now felt guilty for lying to him. He suddenly broke the silence. "Lets go get some of that special shampoo, so you can wash my hair and get this yucky stuff out."   
"What do you mean? So I can wash your hair!?" stammered Gimli.  
"I thought you wanted to wash my hair," Legolas said, confused. Gimli seemed like he really wanted to wash his hair, but he didn't sound too thrilled about it.  
"I do! I do! Lets go get that shampoo!" yelled Gimli.  
So off they went. They headed out into the unknown lands outside the door, on horses conveniently saddled and waiting outside. Together they rode to the nearest Shampoo Emporium. When they finally arrived, Legolas was so overwhelmed at the sight of all the hair care products he fell off his horse. By the time Gimli helped Legolas up, dried his tears, and parked the horses, the store was closing.  
"Wait! This is an emergency!" they yelled as they ran through the entrance doors.   
The manager allowed them to shop after closing hours only because Legolas was such a valued customer.  
"What exactly are we looking for?" asked Gimli as they wandered through the aromatic aisles.  
"Super-Duper Icky, Stinky, Yucky, Sloppy, Nasty, Smelly, Moldy, Slimly, Filthy, Dirty, Cruddy, Crappy…" Legolas paused to catch his breath. "…Fishy, Gloppy, Sticky, Nitty, Gritty, Murky, Dingy, Sludgy, Sooty, Mucky, Grimy, Stuff Remover to Make Your Hair Pretty shampoo."  
"Why that shampoo?" asked Gimli.  
"Don't you want my hair to look pretty?" whined Legolas. "I thought you liked my hair!"  
"I do, but why this shampoo?" Gimli asked as they into the aisle containing the item they were searching for. He picked up a bottle of the special shampoo and sniffed the contents. "It smells horrible, and costs a lot of money! THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS FOR A BOTTLE OF SHAMPOO?!?"  
"But it's on sale!" Legolas whined. "Buy one and get another 2% off; it's a steal."  
"Whatever makes you happy my precious bunny fluffy sugar muffin foo-foo pumpkin teddy bear," said Gimli. "But how are you going to pay for it?" he asked as they approached the check out counter.  
"Excuse me," Legolas said, "but do you accept Visa?"   
"We take Visa, Mastercard, American Express, and Discover," the cashier replied mechanically. Legolas handed her the bottles of shampoo. She rang them up and ran the credit card number through the computer. It made a beeping sound. "I'm sorry, sir, but your credit card has been denied. You maxed it out last time you were here."  
Legolas handed her his three other credit cards, to get the same reply. He looked hopefully at Gimli. "Gimli, you wuggle snuggle snuffly ruffly goo-goo lover of mine, can I borrow some money or a credit card? In relationships what's mine is yours and..."  
"What's yours is mine," he finished as he handed Legolas his Visa card. When it went through the computer it worked.   
"Your total comes to $510.94," the cashier stated and handed Gimli his receipt. "Thank you for shopping Shampoo Emporium. Please come again."  
Legolas grabbed the bag with his shampoo and walked out the door behind a sulking Gimli.  
"What's wrong, sweetie?" asked Legolas. "We have the shampoo now and you can wash my hair. Don't you want to?"  
"Yes, but I owe $510.94 for two bottles of smelly shampoo and I'm beginning to think you never wanted me to wash your hair, despite what you've been saying," said Gimli.  
"Oh. I'm so sorry! I admit I didn't want you to touch my hair at first, but now I realize how much you'd sacrifice just to keep me happy and now I don't care if you touch my hair." sputtered Legolas. "Or anything else you want to touch," he added with a wink.  
On the ride home, Gimli said nothing to Legolas; he was too busy thinking. Legolas too, was silent. When they got home they took care of the horses and put them in their stables. Then Gimli followed Legolas into the house.  
"Well, are you washing my hair or not?" asked Legolas.  
"Do you honestly want me to?" asked Gimli.  
"Yes, I want you to wash my hair. I've got the urge to herbal," sang Legolas.  
"But I thought you were going to use that special shampoo," said Gimli. "What did we buy that other stuff for?"  
"You were right, that stuff smells horrible and I don't want my hair to smell like that. We bought it because I was wrong and I am an idiot who doesn't appreciate a good friend when he has one. I'm sorry I wasted your money and lied to you."  
"It's okay," said Gimli as he picked up the bottle of rose-scented Herbal Essences Full Volume with Protein Shampoo. Legolas walked up to Gimli and threw his arms around him. Gimli kissed Legolas's cheek. Legolas returned the favor.  
"Gimli, I'm glad you're mine," Legolas whispered into Gimli's ear. They walked into the bathroom hand in hand. Someone turned on the faucet and water started to fill up the bathtub.  
"YES! YES! YES!" screamed Legolas as Gimli used his strong hands to massage the shampoo gel into Legolas's scalp.   
Suddenly they started singing, "We've got the urge, the urge to herbal, we've got the urge..." The label instructed them to: wet hair, lather, rinse, and repeat, so they did.


End file.
